


Dear Diary

by nineonefive



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Pretty sad, edit: ok this is really really sad you might cry, why did i do this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 20:35:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7860187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nineonefive/pseuds/nineonefive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"Ah.. Is this how people do this diary thing? Perhaps I should try it, too. It is the 1st of March, 1999 and Omma bought me this really nice notebook. I think it can last for a while. Nice to meet you, Diary-ah."</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Diary

  * **11th March 1999**



Dear Diary, 

Appa and Omma are fighting again. They always do this. Appa always comes home late. Omma gets angry at it.   
I hear glass being thrown again. Why do they do this, Diary-ah? Does this fighting go on in the rest of the world, too?  
Talk soon.

 

  * **6th November 1999**



Dear Diary,

Omma thinks she put me to sleep, but I woke up from Appa and Omma's fighting again. I can hear some of their words. Alcohol? What is that? Omma said Appa gets drunk too often. What does that mean? What does Appa drink? How can Appa and Omma fight over a drink?   
Gotta go. I hear Omma coming in. It seems like she is crying.

 

  * **6th April 2000**



Dear Diary, 

Omma just warned me that Appa is dangerous. I can't believe her! He is my Appa! Why is he dangerous? Appa hugs me at night sometimes to protect me from the monsters under my bed. Appa never fails to hug me every night. Even when he comes home early in the morning he will crawl into my bed and hug me until he sleeps. I know this because his weight always moves my bed and I wake up. But Appa always has this smell in his breath. I can smell it every time he comes home very late. I try my best to fall asleep even with that smell in my nose.

 

  * **9th August 2000**



Dear Diary,

Today, Appa, Omma and me went out to the theme park. It was very colorful and pretty! I rode the ferris wheel with Appa and Omma, and the view at the top was beautiful! Omma took a lot of photos. I want to go out with Appa and Omma like this again. But I want them to talk when we go out, too.

 

  * **1st March 2001**



Dear Diary, 

I made a friend! His name is Lee Minhyuk. We are classmates and he is very cute! We enjoy talking to each other about Pororo. I am glad someone watches the show as well. Even though we did not talk to each other on the first day of school and we just met today, we are already quite close! I can't wait to see him tomorrow so we can talk about even more things.

 

  * **7th July 2001**



Dear Diary, 

Omma left. It's just me and Appa now.

 

  * **3rd November 2001**



Dear Diary,

It is Minhyuk's birthday today! I am very excited, because this year I am allowed to go to his birthday party! Appa didn't allow me to go last year. I guess he was too protective of me. I bought Minhyuk a Eddy onesie! If he wears it then he can match my Crong onesie that I have at home! I'm excited to see his reaction when he opens my present! I bet the party will be fun. I think it's my first time ever going to a party like this. I am a bit scared, but Minhyuk's presence will definitely calm me down~

 

  * **17th April 2002**



Dear Diary,

I have a little more homework for school now. I struggle sometimes, but Minhyuk will somehow always be there to help me. I realized I don't have a lot of friends, but that's okay. It's better to have a few close friends, than to have a lot of friends that you're not so close with, right?

 

  * **17th October 2002**



Dear Diary,

We got back our end-of-year results today. Appa wasn't too happy with my scores. He whipped my thigh with a belt, and now it's red. He slapped me too. This is the very first time he has ever done this. I'm scared, Diary-ah. Maybe Omma was right.

 

  * **1st January 2003**



Dear Diary,

It's 2003, almost 2 years since we met. I still haven't told Minhyuk about how Omma doesn't live with me anymore. Do you think he will find it weird and not want to be friends with me when he finds out that I only have an appa? He has asked me a few times whether he can come to my house to play games sometimes, but I always have to say no, in fear of his reaction. I don't want to lose Minhyuk. He's the only friend I have.

 

  * **15th January 2003**



Dear Diary,

It's my birthday today, and Minhyuk surprised me with cupcakes that he baked. However, it's not surprising that it's already 10pm, and Appa still hasn't said anything to me yet.

 

  * **16 March 2003**



Dear Diary,

The beatings are getting more frequent now.

 

  * **6 June 2003**



Dear Diary, 

Appa beat me again, and because of that I had to reject Minhyuk's offer to go out to spend time together. I'm so affected, Diary-ah. When will I ever muster the courage to tell Minhyuk about this?

 

  * **12 October 2003**



Dear Diary,

Minhyuk introduced me to one of his close friends today. But I found it difficult to be friends with him. Maybe I'm meant to be alone in this ugly, cruel world.

 

  * **3rd November 2004**



Dear Diary,

Happy birthday to my best friend who enjoys jumping on my back as a surprise, giving me hugs, and being selfless. I could never find someone else better.

 

  * **5 January 2005**



Dear Diary,

I can't believe I'm about to leave elementary school soon. Time flies too fast. Time flies when you're having fun. 

(Not really. Life has been a blur, and even my teachers in school have asked about my bruises. I just fake a smile, and mentioned that I fall occasionally. I'm a clumsy person. I'm clumsy at handling my own life, clumsy of tripping and falling into this state of suffering at home. It's not my fault that I'm clumsy anyway.)

 

  * **25 June 2005**



Dear Diary,

Oh my goodness can someone stop pointing out at my bruises

 

  * **17 November 2005**



Dear Diary,

Hah. Although the bruises have faded, I have become the epitomé of ridicule from all the gossip that has been juicy-ing around. Is this what it feels like to be bullied? I wonder how the bullied feel.

 

  * **1 January 2006**



Dear Diary,

I should focus more on class this year.

 

  * **7 August 2006**



Dear Diary, 

Appa keeps yelling at me for writing in this book. But that's the only way I can channel my emotions into.

 

  * **12 December 2006**



Dear Diary, 

I fucked up my finals. But Minhyuk and I got similar results, so I guess we'll be able to get into the same middle school, then. 

 

  * **4 January 2007**



Dear Diary,

I can't bring myself to talk to other people. I'm so glad Minhyuk and I were enrolled in the same class in the same middle school. I won't be alone I won't be alone I won't be alone

 

  * **1 June 2007**



Dear Diary,

Half a year has already passed, and middle school seems survivable. My legs still shake sometimes from the beatings, but all is good. I just have to train myself to take it, right?

 

  * **3 August 2007**



Dear Diary, 

I miss Omma. I want to escape and live with her, wherever she is.

 

  * **6 November 2007**



Dear Diary,

Dad met these new friends from idon'tknowwhere, and I don't want to know. I don't want to stand in his way. At least I get a little bit of freedom now, because he's outside almost all the time with them.

 

  * **20 January 2008**



wow. homework is piling up already. i'll just write significant things when i have the time then

 

  * **3 March 2008**



dear diary,

i met new friends today when i was outside, and they had this close-knitted friendship i have always wanted with an entire clique of friends. they invited me to join their clan, and i agreed almost immediately. i should tell minhyuk about this. if he's against this, i will do whatever i can to persuade him about this.

 

  * **27 March 2008**



dear diary,

minhyuk joined us, too, with a flash of reluctance in his eyes that i noticed. i felt bad, but what can i do? what's done is done.  
the friends had explained to us the purpose of the clan, what they do, and when their meetings are. i guess after dad got those friends, he's been leaving me alone so then i could go for these weekly meetings.   
life's good so far. dad's too busy to even lay a finger on me now.

 

  * **9 September 2008**



dear diary,

minhyuk's appa died today, and i had to scold and talk him out of using the azure elixir to sacrifice his life into saving his own father. i wish i had the love he had for my own father. now, home doesn't even feel like home anymore. 

 

  * **25 December 2008**



dear diary,

it's christmas, and this is the first time i have ever celebrated christmas with a friend. the snow reminds me of minhyuk's platinum white hair, and no star in the sky could ever compare to the spark in his eyes. i'm so lucky to have a best friend like him. 

 

  * **15 January 2009**



dear diary,

appa probably doesn't even bother about the fact that it's my birthday today, because he told me to f--- off.

 

  * **5 April 2009**



dear diary, 

there's this song in English that i've heard–

_Birds are flying over Europe's skies; tell me please, why can't I?_

i really like that lyric. i want to fly, and be free too. one day, i will be.

 

  * **7 July 2009**



dear diary, 

holyshitithinki'minlove

 

  * **7 December 2009**



dear diary,

how stupid was i to think that my first love could last forever. does anything even last forever?

 

  * **8 December 2008**



dear diary,

as always, minhyuk was there for me. i should really heed to his advice. i'm so stubborn, and i hate it.

 

  * **12 February 2009**



dear diary,

i'm moving on. i'm trying. it takes time, and time heals everything.

 

  * **29 June 2009**



dear diary,

for the first time in 9 months, he beat me up again.

 

  * **31 October 2009**



dear diary,

everything is stressing me out now— expectations of maintaining good grades, piles of homework, and the fact that i still can't get over my first love.

 

  * **2 March 2010**



dear diary,

i have found someone else. her name's Yumi, and her hair is long and silky and smells nice and she has got the constellations in her eyes. I never want to look away from them.

 

  * **9 April 2010**



dear diary,

is it bad that i'm abandoning x-clan meetings to see Yumi?

 

  * **23 June 2010**



dear diary,

i reaped what i sowed. i was almost kicked out of x-clan, but luckily minhyuk managed to persuade the others to let me remain in. i've realised that what people talk about is true: once you're with your lover, you drift away from your friends. even my camaderie with my elementary school best friend is fading. how the hell did i not realise this? (does Yumi not think of these kinds of things as well?)

 

  * **9 August 2010**



dear diary, 

i'm going to fuck up my exams

 

  * **5 December 2010**



dear diary,

it was a shitty year. everything is screwed up. hopefully next year is better.  
(that's what i hope for every year, but it just keeps on getting worse.)

 

  * **14 February 2011**



dear diary, 

it's my first valentine's with yumi. and in case you wonder, we both got to different schools. i wonder how that is going to affect our relationship... can i foreshadow that everything is going to fall apart?

 

  * **15 February 2011**



dear diary,

i still haven't told yumi what's going on at home

 

  * **16 May 2011**



dear diary, 

dad started beating me up again. for being in a lousy school, for being unable to cope, for not working hard enough to get into one of the top schools in Seoul. it gets worse as i grow up. i just want to run away from all this with minhyuk.

 

  * **1 June 2011**



dear diary,

an actual conversation that happened between yumi and i:  
"why do you have bruises on your legs?" "ah, i'm a fairly clumsy person, and i bruise easily..." "but i don't see you tripping whenever you're with me?" "i guess i already did, when i fell in love with you."  
ignore that last line, but i'm grateful yumi hasn't suspected anything. i still want to run away.

 

  * **20 December 2011**



dear diary,

christmas party with minhyuk, or christmas date with yumi?

 

  * **24 December 2011**



dear diary,

i chose to be with yumi instead

 

  * **2 March 2012**



dear diary,

time flies~ it's been 2 years since yumi and i got attached. i'm so happy to have her, you know. i didn't regret being in this relationship.   
but i still might regret not telling her what's happening at home. (i haven't even told her yet, and it might be getting worse.)

 

  * **7 July 2012**



dear diary,

my face has a goddamn bruise. how am i going to explain that to yumi?

 

  * **18 August 2012**



dear diary,

minhyuk has been by my side again, treating to my bruises and the wounds on my face. he still doesn't ask what happened. i don't think i'll see yumi for a while. i'm too embarrassing of a person to be worthy of being a boyfriend.

 

  * **15 September 2012**



dear diary,

i have a feeling that yumi isn't telling me something, she seems very off these days...

 

  * **30 November 2012**



dear diary,

i was right. i was fucking right.

 

  * **1 December 2012**



dear diary.

minhyuk was still there for me. 

 

  * **5 December 2012**



dear diary,

the week has been okay (for now?). minhyuk took me to lotte world and we had fun together (although it makes me think of how much i wanted to come here with yumi) ((but nothing still beats how much happy you get when you're at a theme park with your childhood best friend))

 

  * **1 March 2013**



dear diary,

it's been 12 years since i met minhyuk. i could never have been so grateful.

 

  * **2 March 2013**



dear diary,

it was supposed to be our third anniversary today.

 

  * **20 May 2013**



dear diary,

"Hyungwon-ah, if you ever need any help, the teachers are here to help, including myself."  
if i can't even muster up the courage to tell of my troubles to my best friend, how does one expect me to approach an older senior for help?

 

  * **9 June 2013**



dear diary,

my life has been a blur for the past few weeks. i am a silent spectator at each x-clan meeting, i haven't been fulfilling attendance at school, and i feel so dissociated. minhyuk, of course, notices this and i'm thankful he hasn't spoken to me about it yet. he seems aware that i need time. i really do.

 

  * **8 August 2013**



dear diary,

i ran away from home once i heard my father addressing one of my teachers. he would have definitely beat me up ten times harder than he did last time. i have nowhere else except minhyuk's house that i can go to

 

  * **11 August 2013**



dear diary, 

it's the first time i met minhyuk's parents and now i realise why minhyuk is such a great best friend. they are so considerate and caring and understanding and i can't believe all their positive traits made up a beautiful blond that is my best friend. 

 

  * **16 January 2014**



dear diary,

i'm doing better now. it's scary how no one will find out that your birthday wish is to die soon.

 

  * **1 June 2014**



dear diary,

the suicidal thoughts are getting stronger... help me

 

  * **12 September 2014**



dear diary,

i managed to finally tell minhyuk about my thoughts... and i have never so wanted in my life. he told me he is so lucky to have a best friend like him (but he has so many friends)... he said i was so caring and compassionate and always lost in thought, one of the favourite things he likes about me. i don't see myself as deserving to be his best friend... i'm so insecure i can't think straight sometimes

 

  * **3rd November 2014**



dear diary,

i didn't expect minhyuk's birthday to be occupied with him taking me in my arms, and me crying on his shoulder. 

 

  * **30 November 2014**



dear diary,

it's been two years.

 

  * **15 December 2014**



 

dear diary,

i turned to read through my diary for the first time. now, i understand why omma left.

 

  * **1 January 2015**



dear diary,

i just want this year to be better _. please._

 

  * **3 March 2015**



dear diary,

okay. it's getting manageable.

 

  * **4 April 2015**



dear diary,

i am so sick of my home, sick of seeing my dad, sick of life. i can't wait to run free from these chains that bound me to the all-too-familiar interior of my home. i am sick of crying. i'm surprised my eyes can still well up with tears after so many years of crying in my own room.

 

  * **7 August 2015**



dear diary,

it never gets better, does it?

 

  * **26 October 2015**



dear diary, 

i've been running away from home far too often. 

 

  * **31 December 2015**



dear diary,

sometimes i still wonder... since being in x-clan allows me to have the authority to sacrifice my own life to save another's using the elixir, i wonder whom i love enough to save. i used to think of yumi all the time. now, it's probably minhyuk...

 

  * **26 January 2016**



dear diary,

dad and i fought today; he yelled to me about how i'm a burden in his life, how he wouldn't have to pay my education and other necessities if i just didn't exist. then he started yelling about my mum for being the worst thing in his life and giving birth to me, referring to the both of us as "peas in a pod". does he not realise there are three peas in a pod, and the third one would be him since he played a part in creating me, right?

 

  * **30 April 2016**



fuck.  
how the hell did dad find me with my friends? and what's worse, he fucking slapped me in front of all of them. i hate this. i never wanted my friends to know i was suffering. i never wanted minhyuk to find out like this. can i just end my life now..? i've been holding it in for 14 years now. it will never end, will it?

 

  * **4 May 2016**



dear diary,

it's been a few minutes since minhyuk left the house, and i'm finally letting my tears fall.  
i'll never let his soothing voice leave my head; the way he says "it's okay, hyungwon-ah.", "you have me, you'll be fine.", it just fucks me up in so many ways.   
i never know minhyuk would be still so accepting to have me as a friend despite never telling him about this for the past 14 years of our friendship.  
he's the first ever person i know that saw my fresh, blue-black mixed with red fresh bruises, cuts, whips, on my skin.  
even mixing paint isn't this messy.

 

  * **25 May 2016**



dear diary,

i'm tired of all this. i'm sorry, x-clan. i know i wasn't a very dedicated member. i'm sorry, Omma, for not being able to help. i hope you're doing fine, wherever you are. i'm sorry, minhyuk-ah, for not being the best friend you deserve...  
you deserve so much better. i tried my best.   
i'll be taking my life tomorrow.

 

  * **26 May 2016**



MINHYUK FUCKING USED THE ELIXIR TO SAVE MY LIFE, AND NOW HE'S IN THE HOSPITAL WITH A LOW CHANCE OF SURVIVING. WHY THE HELL DID HE DO THIS FOR ME?

 

  * **27 May 2016**



Dear Diary,

I lost my best friend this morning. 

Thank you for keeping all these memories throughout my life.

Now, it's my time to bid farewell and be free, too. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Seoul Times, 28 May 2016**

 

On 27 May 2016, Lee Minhyuk was pronounced dead after he was believed to have taken his own life for his best friend. Investigations on how he had taken his life is still ongoing; the cause has been identified to be abnormal. The man's best friend, Chae Hyungwon, was spotted in a state of turmoil outside the hospital, and witnesses claimed to have seen him walk aimlessly onto the road, as if uncaring for the rest of the world. As a result, a car had struck the boy, and he has also passed away on the same date along with his weakening body after he had tried to kill himself in the vicinity of his own home.

Their deaths were a shock to their friends, some saying that "they were inseperable", and some even comparing their relationship to the main leads in the Shakespearean play, _Romeo and Juliet_. Many did not expect Minhyuk to end his life so soon, proclaiming that "[Minhyuk] was a bright and lively boy who cared about everyone.". As for Hyungwon, his small group of friends had commented on his mental strength as for someone who has dealt with abuse.

When investigations were carried out in the homes of both boys, a suicide letter by both has been found, and Hyungwon's diary has also been located. His father was then filed with charges for domestic and drug abuse after the accounts in his diary entries, and the bruises and marks seen on Hyungwon's body. The death of these two friends have started gaining media coverage just hours after their deaths have been pronounced, and their friendship and sacrifice for each other was commended by many.

This is a large portion of Hyungwon's suicide letter, as given with permission by his friends:

_"I have decided to end my life here. Thank you to everyone that has constantly been in my life, except my scroundel cowardly father who only knows how to beat his son up. I never asked for a large social circle, so I am content with my small amount of friends. The pain is now unbearable as I know my father will not stop hitting me, so I am saying this now: Do something to my father, please. He deserves it after all the years he has does all of this emotional abuse to me._

_About Minhyuk, thank you so much for coming up to me that day in school. I never knew we would have been this close, and I really really love you. I hope you won't mourn much when you're gone. I hope to, someday, meet you in my next life._

_This choice, I've realised, has been something I have been wanting to do for a long time, but was too chickened out to even talk about it. Now, I'm sure of my own decision. I'll be happy then. I'll be able to fly across the skies."_

 

**Author's Note:**

> i seriously did not expect this to be this sad. i'm sorry in general asdhasflafhjk


End file.
